When Mother’s Day is Painful.

Happy Friday! I’ve been debating about writing about this topic, but the closer to the day it is, I figured, that I’d just go for it. This Sunday is Mother’s Day and it is not an easy day for everyone and it is definitely not easy for me. Mother’s Day is a day to honor mothers and the role they play in the family. Mother’s Day can be difficult if your mother was abusive and days like these can affect a person’s mental state quite negatively. Since I know I have family that reads my blogs, I want to say this before I go on: I love my mother. However, there have been many unfortunate circumstances that have forced a wedge between a healthy mother-daughter relationship. Trigger Warning: This post contains information that may be emotionally upsetting to some readers.

Whether your mother was abusive (physically, emotionally, financially, or sexually), emotionally neglectful, mentally absent due to mental illness or substance abuse, there is still a way for you to honor the role of your mother.

As mother’s day is approaching, the same familiar feelings associated with this day rises within me: Anxiety, anger, shame. I remember as a middle-schooler I would find myself jealous of the other girls that would brag about what they did with their mother that previous weekend. I would often find myself fantasizing about what my mother could be like. I fell in love with this false imaginary perfect mother I had created for myself. Of course that imaginary mother concept all came crashing down when reality set in (I’ll go more in depth about that in the next section). Below, I’ve provided some tips of how I get through Mother’s Day.

1.Grieve

Though my mother is very much alive, but there was a time that I had to grieve the loss of her. See, I had to grieve the role my mother played in my life. I had to let go of my idea of what I believed my mother was supposed to be. I had to let go of the idea of what my mother was and embrace who she was and still is even if that still meant it wasn’t what I needed. Grieving her role doesn’t mean I need to have an elaborate plan on how to do so. For me it was tears. Tears, at the time, were profound for me partly because my tear ducts had completely dried up (so I literally could not cry) and partly because I was shown that tears were weakness. Deciding to cry (with the help of artificial tears lol) was powerful because I was able to grieve fully. Grief does not come without an emotional response, especially in women. God (Jesus Christ) wired us, women, to weep. When we choose to bottle up our tears, it can turn into physical pain in the body (https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/034c/7de22156be5ec1f96d31c4dd0c9dcbc1da1a.pdf). But that’s just one way. It may be different for you. Whatever you feel as you begin to grieve, let it all out! As I said earlier, I used to imagine my perfect idea of what my mother should be like. Eventually, I fell in love with that imagination instead of loving my mother for where she was, I hated her because she wasn’t my ideal. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to take captive EVERY thought—that means even if it’s good— and to cast down or to throw away vain imaginations. So some thoughts that we may have— that I was having—can cause more harm than good. We must accept our reality. Cast down every imagination of what your mom could’ve been and should’ve been for you. She wasn’t. Accepting who she was and who she is makes it easier for us to let go of anger because what we needed she could not have been. Thankfully, Scripture says in Psalms 27:10, When my mother and my father forsake me, the Lord lifts me up. In another version it says, My father and mother may abandon me, but the Lord will take care of me. Whenever we feel or are abandoned, the Lord will always take of us.

2. Make Plans and Keep Yourself Busy (and Stay the Heck Off Social Media!!!)

Making plans on Mother’s Day may be a bit difficult, especially if you know your friends will be celebrating. But there are plenty of other things to do. You can also schedule to meet with your friends after they’re done celebrating so that can give you something to look forward to. Seeing a movie

Trust me. If you struggle with Mother’s Day, the last place you need to be is social media (or Olive Garden). Staying off social media is also important. Years ago, I would find myself in such a sour mood because of I was looking at my friends and even strangers’ post awesome things about their mothers. It was jealousy and it made me feel so much worse. Before I knew it, I was back to imagining my “perfect mother” again to keep me from confronting personal issues. For your mental sake, it may just be better to stay away from social media that day and replace the social media time with something productive.

3. Call Your “Mom”

You may not have a relationship with your birthmother, but there are plenty of positive motherly role models that my be present in your life. These can be a relative, pastor, coach, or teacher. Whoever she may be, calling her on Mother’s Day may quench that desire of wishing a mother well even though she is not your mother.

4. Take Time to Intentionally Confront with Your Mother Wound

If you have been mocked, bullied, punched, slapped, raped, abandoned, or financial drained by your mother, you more than likely have a mother wound. A mother wound is simply being unmothered. A mother wound is pain from your mother or generations of mothers in your family being perpetuated onto you. This pain can be incest, physical abuse, abandonment, or verbal abuse. A grandmother can tell a mother that she’ll never amount to anything and that word curse can be passed on to that mother’s child regardless of the child’s gender (men can have mother wounds as well). A mother wound can be confronted in therapy sessions (as this is also a psychological term), but they should also be confronted in Christian settings as well. Churches that help you confront via prayer and deliverance can help you in the journey to accepting and loving your mother who she is/was instead of hating her for her faults. I’m still taking the steps necessary to heal this wound. I have to realize that whether we like it or not, God desires reconciliation for all of us. If God can reconcile with all of humanity through Jesus Christ, when even He knew people would still not choose Him, then we can reconcile with our parent through understanding.

Mother’s Day does not have to suck! You can enjoy the day without being sad or angry all day. Hopefully these tips have been helpful to you. Feel free to use my Resources Page or submit a Prayer Request if needed! Virtual hugs. Take care.